Self Analysis 2


I’ve talked before about self analysis. Why do we believe what we believe? Why do we do what we do? Are we motivated for the right reason? Well here’s a little secret I’m sharing with you all.

I have pink hair.

Yeah. I Know. Not really a secret. Especially for those of you who have met me in meatspace.

There’s a reason for it and THAT is the secret.

You wouldn’t know it now but at one point in my life I was incredibly shy. I walked looking at the ground, didn’t meet people’s eyes, stayed to myself and was generally what one would consider a real dweeb. I tried to make myself as invisible as I possibly could. If I was invisible then people couldn’t pick on me or degrade me. I intentionally sought to make myself unnoticeable.

As I got older I began to overcome my shyness with the help of very good, very dear friends. I wouldn’t be who I am today without Carol, Eric and Joe. As I aged I still had long periods when I believed what others said about me over what I thought of myself. My self esteem was non-existent. I felt worthless.

One afternoon we were over at Carol’s. She’s a psych major. She has also known me longer than anyone other than my parents. So she can read me really well. She started talking about how she could see what I was feeling. I started to well up and she smacked me on the knee pretty hard. It was one of those “Wake up and pay attention” slaps.

She made me promise that every morning I would get up, go look in the mirror and meet my own eyes. Then I repeated to myself “I Am worthy” until I actually believed it. It took me about three days before it finally sank in and I began to overcome my old programming.

Once I accepted that I am a worthwhile person, I started adopting the “Fuck em” mentality. What IS the “Fuck em” mentality? I decided that if people didn’t like or accept me for who I was, fuck em. I didn’t need people like that in my life in the first place. So I proceeded to get rid of the people in my life who were dragging me down. It boiled down to a pretty short list but it was a burden off my back.

It was around that time that religion went bye-bye. I realized that I was a “believer” because i wanted to fit in and make others happy. Fuck em.

Not long after that, I dyed my hair pink. I had wanted to do it for a long time and had been afraid to because of what other people would think. Fuck em.

Part of it was that I was tired of being invisible. Part of it was simply because I was done living my life and doing things to please everyone else instead of making myself happy. Conforming makes me miserable. So I stopped doing what makes me miserable and started living a life that makes me happy and content.

Yes, having pink hair makes me happy. I love the reaction I get from other people…mostly little kids. It makes them smile. Then their parents smile. It’s a happy thing.

Now that my reconstructive surgery has been successful (one more to go for nipple reconstruction. Check out http://www.boobcast.wordpress.com for more details and start at the beginning) I don’t care that I’m overweight. For the first time in my life I am content with who and what I am.

And I owe it all to pink hair, atheism and boobs.

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